5 posts tagged “humor”

So right now "regular voters" are asking questions of politicians on the television. OMFG! Call the internets! Wait, that's YouTube videos-- the very same from the "Person of the Year 2006" in TIME magazine-- ME! Well, not me, but us. We, the scraggly, the confused, the stupid, the rich, the poor, the dull, the savvy...

In other words, anyone who isn't a politician or a journalist. Because, let's face it, they aren't like us. They are Holy Men (and Women). They are special. They are magic (like Jesus and Harry Potter). They make rainbows from farts and shit ambrosia. Yes, we are SO lucky to have them vetting our pedantic, foolhardy questions. So lucky are we to be here on this mudrock with them, for what would we do without their golden light shining through the darkness?

Like a bat takin' a pee.

Yes, the CNN hypemachine is in overdrive tonight, pretending that the YouTube questions, from regular ol' Joe Jackasses like me'n'you is some astounding spectacle without precedent in the history of mankind.

Except, like the dim bulbs that dreamed this up, it isn't. In fact, back in the day politicians regularly were shouted at, spat upon, and, SHOCK asked questions by regular Americans. Even more shocking is that we didn't have Anderson Cooper there to moderate our silliness. Thank you, fourth estate, for saving us from ourselves! Won't someone think of the children???

Didn't we do this already? Town hall anyone? Lyceum? Friggin' whistle-stop tours? Yes, and before that and before that and before that... back in the pre-dawn of man, long before the internet made jackasses relevant, before Anderson coiffed his pearly mane, democracy took root and flourished. It was direct, sometimes ugly, but always relevant.

Now we act like the damn internet is some strange bird from another galaxy. Poke and prod it like the apes in "2001: A Space Odyssey." At least, the media still treats it as such. iCaught! oooo, you too can send in crappy, shaky videos of your friends stealing money! Lame. Look, TV, you are mass media. Enough with the "Daily Web vid" and "Looksee, we surf The Internet too!" Guys, your style guide says to Capitalize the Word Internet as Though It Were Someone's Dad. It isn't. It is internet, and web, and email. Lower case, these are tools. You don't cap hammer do you? English lives, you grow dusty, and pretty soon all we'll need you for are big shows like Lost, BSG and the like. So shut up, quit trying to "get it" like an old man trying to get some college tail, showing up in the freshman courtyard. You're creepin' me out.

And for you journalists still trying to comprehend what BCC: does? I spent 2 years in academentia learning your ways. I've observed you in your habitats. By and large, we may not be smarter than you, but we know a thing or two. And we citizen journalists aren't going to take your demeaning tone any more. Cokie Roberts was on NPR today sniggering her way through this debacle:
"(snicker) Some even wanted to VOTE on what questions were going to be asked tonight!" Direct quote.

This part I just made up (put on your fanciest, haughtiest air here):
"I KNOW, can you just IMAGINE Buffy? I mean it's dreadful, perfectly DREADful that these pissants, these commoners would DARE to address politicians. That's OUR job."

Yeah, you do great work throwing softballs and never asking follow-up questions if you get "the eyebrow"...

Get off your damn high-horse Cokie. We own your ass. Without us, you are nothing. One of my buddies saw you years ago, trying to claim the media doesn't set the agenda for discussion. WTF? Are you that clueless? So those headlines just randomly barf up on the page? What, exactly, do you think digg was set up to counteract? You people and your limited visions. Those who can't DO something, act like fucking journalists.

So yeah, 4th estate, you've been there for us in the past, and you'll maybe stick around a little longer, at least until Murdoch owns everything. But don't be so quick to count out the entire population of the United States. Last time I checked, we were here before you. And student of history that I am, I know that your crowd has seen much better company in the past. Perhaps you'd like to consider rehab? At the very least, stop to sign an autograph once in a while. I still can't shake that evil look Anderson shot me while sitting in Sushi Samba that morning-- get over it dude, you pull your pants up like the rest of us. Only with gold hooks I guess.

I'm one of those people with a very small but tight group of friends. And the one guy that has stuck with me through the ages is my buddy Trent. He's become more of a domesticated cat these days, but nothing can dull his humor. I really wish I could sit down and write a movie, TV series or book with him. But then, it might only be funny to us.

Anyway, here's a portion of an email he recently sent. I had been going on about video games (I teach classes in game design), and here was his response:

"If you are able to tear yourself from your electronics, there are many other marvelous games to play, including:
 
"Low Coolant"
Tales of an automotive warning light that refuses to extinguish in the wife's car

"Hunt for the blue handled hacksaw"
Lost in action, soothsayers unable to divine, can you find the hacksaw before the angry husband whips some ass?

"God Damned neighbor's cats"
Use your skills to stop a feline turd invasion on your personal property

"The garbage only runs on Tuesday morning"
A classic brain twister and game of memory

"Burn permit, we don't need no stinking burn permit"
Burn all the leaves and brambles before being caught by the fire chief

"Supervise your children and their friends doing anything that remotely resembles outdoor work"
A test of patience and possibly a complete waste of time

"Alignment"
Imagine you are a hillbilly redneck, you drive a truck with "THE LONG WHEELBASE" You muster you skills to find a repair shop with an alignment rack long enough for you truck.  Unfortunately there are only 3 such shops in town.  Two of which you "no longer trade with" due to "police instructions."  No official restraining order has been issued, but the nice officer did not arrest you when you threatened to beat the service manager like "an angry monkey fucking his sister"  The one shop in which "the law" has not gotten involved will only see you on Tuesdays between 10:00am and 10:30am.  Hurry! before the tires prematurely wear and you spend a week's paycheck on a new set of tires.

Oddly, the only time I could get me truck aligned is about the same time the garbage runs - on Tuesday morning!!  Life is a strange game with all kinds of wild turns."

Oh this is too much. By now you'd have to live under a rock to not have heard about the Adult Swim bomb scare thing.

Now, I understand that any bomb squad should detonate first, and ask questions later. But if you read that CNN article I linked to above, you might notice something odd. There's a quote from a 22 year-old design student:
"It's so not threatening -- it's a Lite-Brite," he told the newspaper, referring to the children's toy that allows its users to create pictures by placing translucent pegs into an opaque board.

Notice how CNN had to DEFINE the toy. Do you really think someone who doesn't know what a Lite-Brite is will know the meaning of the word translucent?

So this is how dumb we've become. We don't know elementary toys. Don't know the difference between a sign and a bomb ("It looked menacing" oooo!). Sense of humor? Hell, we lost that around the time PCU arrived in theaters. Don't weep for the future, it's already here.

Now I'm off to go blame Hillary for everything.

• Disposing of the body
• Trying to masturbate
• Preparing for tomorrow's suicide bombing
• Scraping resin from the bong
• Bukakke night!
• Watching Gigli
• Got a date with Chris Hanson

[note, I've been told this is a bit crass, so if you don't like blue humor, I've marked it accordingly in my little settings]

Here you go, true believers.